Many times we are unaware of our negative thoughts. So the first step is to bring these thoughts into awareness by observation. How often do you say negative things about yourself? Positive things? You can use a golf counter to collect data on your thoughts. Keep a record of how often you criticize yourself and plot this data on a graph just as you would with any other problem behavior. This is your baseline.
You can increase or decrease thoughts or self-statements with the same procedures you use for modifying overt behaviors. For example, you might begin by writing down each negative self-statement. Translate each of these into a positive, productive self-statement, then write each positive self-statement on an individual file card. Think of these positive self-statements as low-probability behaviors.
Use the Premark principle of reinforcement to increase the frequency of your positive self-statements-that is, make engaging in a high-probability behavior (such as smoking a cigarette) contingent on your thinking a positive self-statement. Each time you feel like smoking, use this feeling as a cue for reading the positive self-statement on the first file card. Then smoke the cigarette. In this way, the desire to smoke becomes an antecedent cue for thinking a positive self-statement, and actually smoking the cigarette becomes the reinforcing consequence. Other high-probability behaviors include drinking coffee, talking on the phone, and daydreaming (engaging in a pleasurable fantasy). You might attach the deck of positive self-statements to your phone and each time you have to make a call, first read a positive self-statement, then make the call.
It is helpful to include a blank card in your deck. When the blank card comes up, you must generate a new positive self-statement and write it on the card before engaging in the high-probability behavior. This will help you to alter your selective perception. When you know the blank card is there and that you must come up with another positive, you will be more inclined to begin looking for positives. A lot of people are in the habit of ignoring the positives and selectively focusing on the negative features in each situation; people who appear more confident generally look for their successes. The file card technique may sound contrived and artificial, but it is amazingly successful. Try it for a week or two and count the frequency of your spontaneous positive self-statements. They will probably increase, and as they do increase you will begin to feel more confident.
Some people have difficulty generating positive statements about themselves. An exercise called "success stories" can help. Here are some examples of different people's "success stories," the personal strengths that they illustrate, and some positive self-statements that the individuals were able to make after having discovered those personal strengths. After reading the stories here, fill in the blanks and describe a success story of your own, identify the personal strength revealed by that story, and use that strength to make a positive self-statement.
Of course, the things you say about yourself to others are also important. If you present yourself to others as incompetent, lacking in confidence, and a failure, then those around you will see these traits in you (their selective perception) and treat you accordingly. The way you present yourself is particularly important when you meet someone for the first time, because first impressions can be very difficult to change. In a job interview, for example, talk about what you have done and can do, not what you haven't done. It is astounding how many people say things like, "I don't have a college degree, but..." or "I haven't worked in a hotel, but..." The interviewer often doesn't listen after the "but". It is much better to say, "I have a lot of practical experience that you can't get in school", or "I developed a new sales strategy, and this experience would be helpful in the leisure industry because. . .
There are many strategies for increasing your positive self-statements. Another method is to select a person whom you view as confident and to ask yourself what you think this person would be thinking in a situation that requires confidence. Write down the exact words. Sybel, a participant in one of my workshops, wrote, "She's the master of her ship. She is confident in her ability and knows she can do what she sets out to do. She refuses to give in to fear or failure. She is realistic and doesn't get discouraged if she doesn't do something perfectly the first time. She learns from each attempt and tries again. She concentrates upon what she has done well in each situation." Now rewrite the monologue in the first person. "I am the master of my ship. I am confident in my ability and know I can do what I set out to do. . . Write this on a file card and use the Premark principle of reinforcement. Sybel used driving her car as a high-probability behavior. Each time she got in her car, she read the monologue before starting the car.
Several times I have suggested using self-instructions to facilitate your behavior change. Self-instructions can help you in building confidence as well. Instruct yourself to act "as if and guide yourself through the exact behaviors you want to enact. Instruct yourself to use coping fantasies, to relax, and to say positive statements to yourself. Use the thought-stopping technique to cut off unproductive thoughts and images. And be a helpful, supportive, and positive instructor. Make self-reinforcing statements to yourself for progress, however small it may seem. Give yourself lots of pats on the back: Not only does it feel good, but it will help you accomplish your goal-a new, confident you.
Other Important Manager Behaviors
It is interesting to know what others consider crucial to successful job performance. In intensive interviews with 250 corporate leaders, Michael Maccoby, found the following qualities to be important to them:
The dismaying aspect of these findings is that the work environment stimulates the development of only some of these qualities. Specifically, Maccoby's research revealed that the qualities in the first column-which he calls qualities of the head-are encouraged (reinforced) by work, whereas those of the heart are not. They remain underdeveloped and dormant.
