Why do we routinely toggle from silence to violence? We go to silence because we dread crucial conversations. These are interactions where stakes are high, opinions differ, and emotions run strong. We fear them because our past experience has taught us that if we're both emotional and honest, bad things are likely to happen. So we go to silence. Better to let someone else speak his or her mind and suffer the slings and arrows of emotion-fed candor.
We go to violence because we're unskilled at holding crucial conversations. While research shows that the ability to hold crucial conversations is the key to influence, job effectiveness, and even marital success, most of us have little or no formal training on the topic. Picking up on the poor skills of our extant role models when we do decide to speak up, we typically employ sarcasm, caustic humor, guilt trips, debate tactics, and other forms of verbal violence. Eventually we note that we're in trouble for having said something and we pull back into silence.
So instead of fostering a working environment where your employees are afraid to speak up, thus hindering ideas, harming relationships, and destroying morale, teach your employees the skills of crucial conversations. Here are some helpful tips for speaking your mind in a way that gets heard, produces real results, and unlocks your future success.
- Reverse your thinking. Most of us decide whether or not to speak up by considering the risk of doing so. Those who are best at crucial conversations don't think first about the risks of speaking up. They think first about the risks of not speaking up. They realize if they don't share their unique views, they will have to live with the poor decisions that will be made as a result of holding back their informed opinions.
- Change your emotions. The primary reason we do badly in crucial conversations is that by the time we open our mouths we're irritated, angry, or disgusted with the other person's views and opinions. Then, no matter how much we try to fake it, our negative judgments creep into the conversation. So, before opening your mouth, open your mind. Try to separate people from the problem. Try to see others as reasonable, rational, and decent human beings. Hold a good thought and you will come across entirely differently. Remember—if you hold court in your head, the verdict will show on your face.
- Help others feel safe. Unskilled people believe that certain topics are destined to make other people defensive. Skilled folks realize people don't become defensive until they feel unsafe. Try starting your next high-stakes conversation by assuring the other person of your positive intentions and your respect for them. When others feel respected and trust your motives, they let their guard down and begin to listen—even if the topic is unpleasant.
- Invite dialogue. After you create a safe environment, confidently share your views. Once you've done so, invite differing opinions. This means you actually encourage the other person to disagree with you. Those who are best at crucial conversations aren't just out to make their point; they want to learn. If you are open to hearing others' points of view, they'll be more open to yours. And finally, if you can't remember anything else in the heat of the moment, ask yourself: ''Are we in silence or violence?'' If so, do your best to return to healthy dialogue.
Al Switzler is the coauthor of the New York Times bestsellers Influencer, Crucial Conversations, and Crucial Confrontations. He is an acclaimed keynote speaker, consultant and cofounder of VitalSmarts, an innovator in corporate training and organizational performance. www.vitalsmarts.com.
